


Copy and Paste

by yourlocalhipster



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I guess???, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, Unrequited Love, it's sad, jk love yall, really fucking sad, so enjoy it???, so much fucking angst, so yall better like it u little shits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-06-03 04:29:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19456375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalhipster/pseuds/yourlocalhipster
Summary: It’s such a simple concept to copy and paste words on a screen. As for real life relationships? Not so much. Not for Phil, whose boyfriend Aaron Jeffrey Howell was suddenly cut out from his life. How lovely would it be to just copy and paste Aaron Howell’s living identical twin brother Dan into the picture with a simple click? If only life was that easy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I've revived this work bc I know some of my readers missed it. Honestly, I did too. So here y'all go! 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy the ride <3
> 
> P.S. you can find my new tumblr writing blog at @thathipsterhannahwrites !

Phil’s head towered above the sea of people dressed in black. It had been two weeks and one day since he received the news of his boyfriend’s death in a car crash. 

He didn’t have the strength to cry, he really didn’t. He was so exhausted from being depressed and sobbing his eyes out that his emotions were now reduced to one monosyllabic word: dull. That was all there was. There was no devastation, no sadness, no tears or wailing or sniffling or fond memories. The world around him was dreary, his entire being subdued; there was no feeling at all. 

Across the aisle, Phil couldn’t look at him. It was like looking at his deceased boyfriend, and right now he couldn’t handle that. Dan was a nice guy, really sweet, but Phil just didn’t have the emotional strength to even turn his head in his direction. Dan was the striking image of Aaron Jeffrey Howell. They were identical twins after all. Phil couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard Aaron’s death hit Dan. The two of them were best friends. Aaron would always have a funny story involving him or would always have something nice to say about his counterpart. 

It was Phil’s turn to speak. His whole body tensed as he grabbed his sheet of paper with his speech scrawled on it and went up to the podium, profusely keeping his eyes on the back of the room and away from the front row, specifically Dan Howell. 

He cleared his throat and took a good look at his speech before lifting his eyes towards the glowing exit sign across the room. If only he could just run away and forget about this. But he couldn’t. Not when Aaron’s family and friends needed him most. 

“Aaron Jeffrey Howell was my best friend,” Phil started. His voice sounded grainy with the microphone. “He was my soulmate. I don’t know why fate decided to take him away from us, but there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m sure that Aaron would want us to be happy and move on with our lives because he loves us, but Aaron, we want our time to acknowledge the great person you had been and the impact your existence will always have in our lives. I love you, Aaron Howell.” 

A few sniffles and some nose blowings proceeded after Phil finished his brief speech and sat back down in his seat. His mum and Martyn, bless their souls, helped him write it. Or more like, they both typed it out on a computer and gave it to him to read. They did it out of love, they knew Phil was in no state to write a speech or improvise something when speaking at a funeral. He never really knew what to say. 

The rest of the funeral service went by in a blur. Phil vaguely remembered Dan’s speech to his brother. He didn’t have to look up to feel the tears welling up in the Howell boy’s eyes. It really did suck for everybody. 

The small “afterparty” that followed was the most depressing part, surprisingly. Although there was food, which Phil was never opposed to, the mood was somber with a slight tinge of awkward. No one dared to laugh or make jokes or even smile. There was no music, just delicate conversation as shallow and dull as the bowl of soup he had in his hand. He stared at the nearly transparent liquid and saw his reflection: grey blue eyes, slightly tousled black hair parted into a semi-fringe, a pale face. 

A shadow crept its way onto the reflection and soon another face joined his. Phil almost dropped his soup in pure shock. He looked up and a sensation similar to ice water being poured on him flooded through his body. He desperately tried to remind himself that it wasn’t Aaron. It wasn’t him. 

“Hello,” Dan greeted. 

“Hi,” Phil said curtly, purposely focusing his sight on something else, like his black dress shoes. 

“Are you doing alright?” Dan asked, edging a little closer to him. 

Phil felt himself squirm and took one step back. 

“As alright as I can be right now.” Phil really didn’t want to have this overplayed conversation. Hearing that dreaded question worded in a thousand different ways - _Are you okay? How are you doing? Is everything alright?_ \- had set a bitter taste in his mouth. He hated hearing that phrase. Of fucking course he wasn’t alright. His boyfriend had just died and now he’s talking to said boyfriend’s identical twin brother who looks exactly like him and- god, Phil needed a drink. 

“Is there any alcohol here?” Phil asked. 

“Er,” Dan hesitated, “no, don’t think so. But if you want, we can head to a pub or something after this. I sure could use some alcohol in me as well after today.” 

Dan was one of the last people Phil really wanted to go drinking in a pub with, but for some reason, he agreed. Mostly because the thought of going drinking by himself was really fucking sad, and Phil had had enough of the pity looks from his friends and random strangers around him in a bar. 

“How about The Raglan at six?” Dan suggested. 

“Alright,” Phil nodded, keeping one single thought in his head: _This is what Aaron would’ve wanted. For me to have some fun and move on._

  


~ 

  


Once the clock read 6 PM, Dan and Phil escaped the post-funeral reception - that had become even more depressing after one idiot slipped out all-too insensitive words to poor Mrs. Howell, who then started bawling her eyes out in front of everyone - and took an Uber to the Wokingham Raglan Pub. The bar was fairly inhabited but luckily not overcrowded. Dan and Phil sat themselves at the bar and Dan did not hesitate to call out for a couple of vodka shots. The bartender slid over two shots to them. 

“You’re of age, right?” Phil asked teasingly. 

Dan shook his head and snorted. “Oh please. You know I’m twenty-one.” 

“Just checking.” Phil lifted his shot. “To Aaron?” 

Dan clinked his shot with Phil’s. “To Aaron.”

As the strong liquor entered Phil’s body, the buzz started to fill his head quite nicely despite his disability to breathe for a few seconds. Dan had a coughing fit for a full minute before his throat finally calmed down. The world seemed to slow down a bit as Dan ordered a few more shots. The bar seemed to get less and less clear, his vision so dreadful that even his prescripted contacts were merciless under the depressant of the alcohol. 

Phil’s eyes landed on Dan. What a sight he was. He didn’t know whether it was the vodka, the bar lights, his emotions and memory screaming for Aaron, or all of the above, but Dan suddenly looked a hundred times more attractive. His brown hair shone under the dim lighting and his lips were plump and pink, practically begging for Phil’s lips to attack them. 

Then he felt himself being pulled off from the barstool and dragged onto the dance floor, which wasn’t really a dance floor. It was more of a wood floor space near the speakers where a few others were dancing. It didn’t really matter in the end as Dan pulled Phil close and they started swaying to the music together. 

Dan had no problem wrapping his arms around his neck and nuzzling into his shoulder. Phil held him in his arms. A voice in his head screamed faintly but was masked by the fuzziness in his brain from the alcohol. This was nice. Phil could get used to this. 

As he and Dan swayed softly, many drunken voices started singing to the familiar chorus:

_So darlin', darlin' stand by me_  
_Oh stand by me_ _  
_ Oh stand now, stand by me

“Stand by me,” Phil heard Dan mumble into his neck, pulling him closer. 

_I won't cry, I won't cry, no, I won't shed a tear_ _  
_ _Just as long as you stand, stand by me_

_Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me_  
_Oh stand by me_ _  
_ Whoa stand now, oh stand, stand by me... 

The song faded away and so did Dan and Phil’s swaying. An upbeat Lady Gaga song ascended into the room and the lights disapparated as a disco ball emitting various colors became the star of the dance floor. Dan let go of Phil and instead grabbed his hands, the two of them shuffling together to the beat. 

Not too far into the song, Dan spun Phil around sloppily, leaning close to him and whispering some of the lyrics into his ear suggestively, the scent of the vodka slightly teasing his nose. 

_I live for the applause, applause, applause_  
_I live for the applause-plause_ _  
_ Live for the applause-plause

Before Phil could even process what happened next, Dan was all over him, flashing him bedroom eyes. Phil’s eyes widened, but he didn’t care enough to stop him. He was enjoying this quite a bit, especially once Dan started grinding his ass against him. Yep, Phil was fine with this. He’d play along. 

_Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me_ _  
_ _The applause, applause, applause_

Phil bit his lip to hold back a moan as Dan turned around and started nipping his teeth against his right ear. Holy fuck, was this actually happening? 

Phil’s vision went even more blurry, his eyes slowly closing as he took in the sensation of Dan’s lips traveling from his ear down to his neck, the song in the background building up to the chorus. 

One hand pressed itself against Phil’s lower back, pulling him in. He felt Dan’s forehead press against his, blue eyes meeting Dan’s enticing chocolate brown eyes. 

_Give me that thing that I love (I'll turn the lights out)_ _  
_ _Put your hands up, make 'em touch, touch (make it real loud)_

“Take me home?” Dan slurred, leaning against Phil. 

Phil nodded madly, his eyes wide. “Fuck yes,” he breathed out. 

Dan smirked, wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck again, and pulled him in for a sloppy kiss. Phil kissed him back, his mind vacant save for the beautiful boy in his arms who looked like- who was it again? Phil didn’t bother to think about that, much more interested in Dan’s hand around his wrist, dragging him out of the bar. 

Before either of them knew where they were going, a taxi was picking them up and Phil was giving the name of his apartment. No longer had the taxi door shut and the driver pull away from the curb when Dan’s mouth reconnected with Phil’s, his hand coming down and resting over the prominent bulge in his pants. They were so wrapped up in their kissing, Dan’s hands wrapped tightly in Phil’s hair and their tongues battling for domination, that they didn’t realize when the drive was over and the driver was asking for his money. 

Phil shakily handed the cab driver a twenty before grabbing Dan’s hand and pulling him out of the car with him, nearly falling over the edge of the curb. Phil didn’t even bother to wait for his change. They stumbled blindly to the front door of the building and Phil yanked out his keys, unlocking their door and taking Dan inside and up the stairs. 

Yeah, the stairs. It wasn’t easy to get up them with Dan pressed against him, nearly begging to be kissed again. 

When they arrived at the door, Phil flung it open and was immediately met by an impatient Dan who was kissing his neck and roaming his hands down his sides. He could feel Dan’s hands untucking his shirt and pushing it up, feeling the skin to skin contact between them. And soon, Dan was prying open Phil’s shirt, all the while their mouths still connected in a never-ending kiss. 

“Do you want this?” Phil asked, pulling back momentarily as Dan tried to reconnect their lips. 

Dan nodded. “Of course.” 

“I just don’t want to make a mistake.” 

“You’re not.” 

Dan dropped to his knees in front of Phil, in the living room of his apartment, and began to undo his pants, not wasting any time. Phil felt like all breath escaped him as he felt Dan’s hand go underneath the waistband of his underwear and pull out his hardening cock. He hadn’t felt this aroused in a long time. 

Dan’s mouth was instantly on him, sucking on the head and lapping at his slit with his tongue. Phil moaned out, loud and obscene, as he reached down and grabbed roughly onto Dan’s hair for leverage. Dan shuddered and pulled back, taking a breath before looking up at Phil, his doe eyes looking so innocent. But in Phil’s mind, he couldn’t comprehend how someone looking so innocent could do what Dan was doing to him, hallowing his cheeks and deep-throating him. 

Phil watched as his dick disappeared more and more into Dan’s mouth as he felt the head hit Dan’s throat. He threw his head back and groaned, fucking up into Dan’s mouth, not able to still his hips any longer. Dan pulled away, sputtering for breath with spit dripping off from his swelled, red lips, and Phil never felt so pleasured in his life. 

Dan went back down on him, licking a stripe down the side near his sensitive vein before flicking his slit and collecting his copious amounts of pre-cum that he knew he had to spilling. He could feel the familiar heat in his abdomen; he was close. 

“I’m close.” He managed to get out, his voice broken. 

Dan pulled away and promptly stood up, leaving Phil’s hips to press forward into the air, searching for the heat again. “Why did you stop?” Phil asked. 

Dan leaned forward, his lips pressing against Phil’s ear as he breathed out. “You’re not allowed to cum until you’re inside of me.” 

Phil felt like he could have unraveled right then and there. But he liked the idea of being inside of Dan. 

“Let’s go to the bedroom, yeah?” Phil asked, kicking his pants off in the living room as he grabbing Dan’s hand and yanked him towards his bedroom. 

“Okay.” Dan got out as he stumbled down the hallway. 

Phil opened the door to his bedroom, tossing it open so hard he could have sworn he heard the doorknob put a crack in the drywall. But he didn’t care. His body was full of adrenaline and need. As he turned to ask Dan if he was still sure about this, he spotted Dan already naked and parading over to the bed, his clothes must have gotten lost in the hallway. 

Phil climbed onto the bed over Dan, forgetting that he was still wearing his shirt that was now hanging open. As Dan laid back on the bed, Phil tossed his shirt away and watched as it landed on the floor in a heap. 

He bent down over Dan, kissing him with heat and fever. Pure lust. Dan’s hands came up and held his jaw in place as Phil continued his onslaught of kisses to Dan’s lips. “You gonna fuck me now?” Dan asked, his voice ghosting over Phil’s lips. 

“As long as you want me to.” 

“I do. Fuck, Phil. I need you!” 

Phil broke away their contact long enough to reach in his bedside drawer and pull out the half-used bottle of lube he had, along with the near empty box of condoms. He dumped out the box on the top of the table and grabbed a condom as he snatched the lube and made it back over to Dan. 

“You don’t need to stretch me.” Dan said, eyeing the bottle of lube in his hand. 

Phil shook his head, sitting back on his heels. “I’m not going to skip that and risk hurting you.” 

Dan nodded and smiled at him, before spreading his legs, moving so Phil could get between them. Phil reached down, underneath Dan’s leaking cock and tightened balls, and felt around, his finger coming into contact with Dan’s puckered rim. He slowly pushed in, hearing Dan whimper and moan out at the intrusion. He could feel Dan loosening around him, his body already relaxing. 

“Please… more!” Dan moaned out, his head thrown back on Phil’s bright blue pillow. 

Phil nodded and gently added a second finger, feeling it slide it just as easy as the first one had. He worked both fingers, scissoring them apart until Dan was coming undone around him, his cock red and angry, waiting to release. 

“I’m good.” Dan panted. “Please get inside me. Please! I need you!” 

Phil nodded and pulled his fingers out, looking at how beautiful his partner was sprawled out under him. God, this boy always looked so beautiful to him. 

Dan waited and watched as Phil put on the condom and coated himself with lube, spreading it across his length. Phil leaned over Dan, his tip resting at Dan’s entrance as he waited for Dan’s nod of approval. Dan nodded and Phil pushed in. 

Phil thought that this feeling was the most amazing this he’s ever felt. The tight wet heat made him nearly lose control. He wasn’t sure how he could wait. But Dan was ready, and as soon as Phil was fully seated inside of him, he begged for Phil to move. 

Phil rested his hands just above Dan’s shoulder for leverage as he thrust hard and fast. He knew he wasn’t going to last long, the heat in his stomach was just beginning. 

“I’m close.” Phil moaned out. 

Dan nodded. “Me too.” 

“Cum with me, Aaron.” Phil moaned out as he felt his climax beginning. “Cum, please!” 

Dan came, his head cloudy and his vision a mess, as he painted his and Phil’s stomach white. He hadn’t even realized what was said but something in his head was telling him something was wrong. But he ignored it, too blissed out and high on Phil to care. 

Phil pulled out, pulling off the used condom and tying it, throwing it into the bin next to his bed. He fell down beside Dan and looked at him, pulling him in for a kiss. But this time the kiss was slower, less heat and more passion. The fire that was within them quickly diminished as they sleep slowly overtook them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR thank you to my friend Alexis (@yiffandquiff on tumblr) to writing the smut scene in this chapter for me!!! Go and show her some love on her fics bc she's amazing!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting this late! I was on a week long vacation with my family, so things should be back to normal soon! :)

_ Message from Aaron 11:45 PM:  _

_ yeah I’ll be back in my dorm around midnight? ive got a special new recipe for us to try :)  _

  
  


_ Message to Aaron 11:47 PM:  _

_ Sounds good! definitely excitedd _

  
  


_ Phil turned off his phone and decided to start heading over to Aaron’s. His dorm mates were out at a party so it’d just be the two of them, which made Phil smile wildly. He shook his head fondly at the thought of his boyfriend pulling out a printed recipe from online and begging him for them to try it in the kitchen. They’d probably make a huge mess, Phil giggling as he wiped a bit of sour cream or frosting on Aaron’s nose.  _

_ He kept musing his thoughts about Aaron as he waited outside his dorm for him to get home. His mind was deeply interrupted when, in slow motion, he saw Aaron driving up in his car crashing into another vehicle. Both cars flipped over and lit on fire. Phil stood up and screamed, but he couldn’t move from his spot. He looked down and saw his wrists tied to the floor with chains.  _

_ He pulled and pulled and kept on screaming as he watched his boyfriend, inside his car, burn alive. He kept screaming and screaming, hoping incessantly that if he let out all the vocals in him, it would stop the fire from taking his soulmate’s life. He felt someone shake him from behind. Turning around, his eyes grew in both horror and relief as he saw Aaron again behind him.  _

_ “Calm down,” he said, his voice eerily content.  _

_ “I thought you were dead!” Phil cried out, tears staining his reddening face.  _

_ “Aaron is dead,” he said. “It’s me, Dan.”  _

_ And for some reason, that made everything worse. He kept on screaming, his mind turning to mush as he felt his knees give out. The last thing he remembered was the sensation of the impact between his cheek and the cement floor.  _

Phil’s eyes shot open. He was breathing heavily with sweat beading on the edges of his face. As he calmed himself down, his vision focused on the man’s face laying next to him. His heart started beating as he found the face of his supposedly dead boyfriend staring at him. Brown eyes, subtle freckles, curly brown hair. 

Phil couldn’t help but sob. Hard. He pulled him closer and started crying onto his shoulder. The brown-haired man simply embraced him, gently rubbing his back. 

“I thought you were dead,” Phil murmured through sniffles. “It was just a bad dream.” 

He felt the man against his body stiffen then pull away. His face was grieving and at a loss of words. Slowly, he managed to say, “I’m not Aaron, Phil.” 

Phil’s smile quickly burned out. He started chuckling nervously. “Wh-What?” 

“Aaron’s dead,” he whispered cautiously. “It’s me, Dan, his twin brother.” 

Phil’s eyes widened as that same sensation of his body being doused in ice cold water overtook him. He got out of his bed, not even realizing he was only wearing his boxers. 

“What… What the fuck are you doing in my-” 

“It was a mistake!” Dan answered hastily, getting out of the bed as well. 

Phil gasped at the amount of hickies littered all over Dan’s body. 

“It was a mistake!” Dan said again, his eyes shining. “We shouldn’t have done this!” 

Phil could feel his face heating up and the liquid forming in his eyes. It was a nightmare becoming a reality all over again. 

“Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck, this can’t be fucking happening…” Phil murmured as he paced back and forth panickedly. 

Dan shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Phil… I’m so fucking sorry…” 

Phil had no idea what came over him, but something inside him snapped. He could feel the blood pounding in his head as he turned around and faced Dan. He could see the brown-haired boy’s face pale. 

“Get the fuck out,” Phil hissed. When Dan stayed frozen in place, petrified, Phil was quick to say again with more force, “GET THE FUCK OUT!” 

Dan grabbed his clothes and ran out of the bedroom, pushing past half-filled moving boxes, running down the hall as he slipped his shirt on and hopped on foot through the living room as he put on his jeans. He put on his shoes, checked for his phone in keys in his jeans, then hurried out the front door. 

Phil just stood in his bedroom, that dull ache in his chest returning once more. A constant high-pitched ringing resonated in his ears after he heard the front door slam shut from Dan’s departure. He didn’t notice as the edges of his vision started to turn black, then the last thing he heard and felt was his body collapse onto the hardwood floor. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“Phil? Phil darling?” one voice shouted out. 

“Oh my god, is he okay?” another female voice asked worriedly. “Holy fuck, did you really just find him here?” 

“Yeah, he was out like a light for god knows how long…” the first voice said. 

Phil felt the back of a hand pressing gently against his forehead. He slowly opened his eyes and saw two blurry faces looming over him. As his vision cleared up, he saw that it was his friend Louise and Piper, his twin sister. 

“He’s alive!” the first female voice, Louise, exclaimed.

“Holy fuck, Phil! Damn it, why didn’t you call us?” Piper whimpered, lifting Phil so he was now sitting then attack him with a hug, her frizzy ginger curls surround his face. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil said dazedly. “I don’t know what happened. Dan was here and-” 

“Wait woah woah WHAT?” Piper pulled away from Phil, her eyebrows knitted in anger. “You mean Aaron’s identical fucking twin?!” 

Phil gulped and tightened his lips. He could see the disappointment overcome Louise’s face. 

“Oh sweetheart,” Louise said softly. 

“How could you be such a fucking idiot?!” Piper yelled, grabbing Phil by his shoulders and shaking him wildly. “You dumbass! He’s not fucking healthy for you!” 

“I’m sorry!” Phil cried out. “I just- we both needed a fucking drink after the funeral so we went out and got smashed at a pub and he asked me to take him home and I just-” 

The rest of Phil’s explanation dissipated into thin air when he saw the dismay on Piper’s face. God, he hated when he disappointed his friends, but especially hated it when he disappointed Piper. 

When Phil arose from his thoughts, he found Piper sitting on his bed with her head in her hands. Meanwhile, Louise was busy cleaning up the room. 

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Piper hissed. 

The thought of Aaron completely twisted Phil’s insides until the dullness settled in again. That weight in his body where every action took twice the amount of effort to complete. “You know what? I don’t care.”

Piper angrily jumped off the bed and knelt in front of him, arms folded across her chest. “You come off it. Stop saying shit like that, Phil.” 

Phil just stared into the distance, right through Piper’s determined face. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” He asked quietly. 

“Because you fucking  _ can’t  _ be alone!” Piper shouted. “I’m not leaving you here!” 

“Piper, darling, I think you need to calm down a bit,” Louise said gently, grabbing hold of her hands and pulling the female Lester off the floor. “Phil, would you like us to make you some tea?” 

Phil, just to appease Louise, simply nodded. It worked, as Louise sighed in relief and led Piper out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. And Phil was alone again, only him and his thoughts. There was nothing. He let his body become parallel to the floor, staring at the blue-grey wall, forcing his mind to forget all events that occurred within the past three weeks. 

Three weeks ago. It was such a short time, yet it felt like an eternity. He and Aaron were shopping for apartment stuff. They were finally going to live in a flat together, their new home. It was  _ our, us, we…  _

Now it was his, him, he. 

Phil could feel the tears coming back. His body started to scrunch up into a ball, his knees now pulled up against his chest as he let himself cry again. The tissue box was right above him, sitting on his bedside table, but he’d rather let himself drown. 

All he wanted was  _ him,  _ Aaron, and he couldn’t ever fucking have him again. Fuck _ ,  _ was that so much to ask for? Then again, it was bringing someone back from the dead. Phil shuddered. He didn’t even want to think about, or even accept, that Aaron was gone. He just couldn’t process it. 

Phil didn’t even notice the sound of footsteps and two female voices chattering quietly making its way back into his room. He just kept staring at the wall.

“Phil? Are you still on the floor?” Louise asked gently. 

The next thing he knew, he had Louise and Piper lifting his entire body and plopping him onto his bed. After a minute or so passed, he heard soft music playing from a stereo. Piper’s hand caressed his hair softly. His sister gave him a sad smile before she and Louise walked out of the bedroom. He faintly heard the front door open and close. 

Finally, he was alone. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. The soothing music didn’t help much, but it was something. The bedsheets underneath him started to burn as bits and pieces of memories from last night started to come back to his mind. 

Eager to get as far away from the bed as possible, Phil ran out of his bedroom and halted in the living space. The couch looked pretty comfy, but his body disagreed as he found himself drooping onto the floor again. He stared at the TV playing an animal documentary. Probably Piper’s doing. She was one of the few who knew of Phil’s love for animal documentaries. Aaron knew of it too.

It didn’t help. All he wanted was Aaron. No one else understood his type of pain. And Phil was crying again.  __

  
  


~ 

  
  


The rest of Phil’s afternoon consisted of moping, laying on the floors of various rooms, attempting to make a coffee but giving up halfway, and staring at footage of an ocelot tending to its kittens on the TV. Nothing seemed to make Phil feel better though. He wanted Aaron, yearned for his touch, his voice, his smile. 

Which, of course, led Phil to sitting on the floor in front of his bed, laptop perched on his knees, going through his youtube channel. There were quite a few videos of him and Aaron, ranging from vlogs to tags and challenges. Although Aaron himself wasn’t a Youtuber, he was always happy to be featured in Phil’s videos. He was always so enthusiastic about it, sometimes even more so than Phil. 

He was mid-way through watching their boyfriend tag when someone knocked on the door. Phil, not expecting any sort of company, except for maybe Piper (his overprotective sister was quite unpredictable), made quick to shove his laptop off his legs, slamming it shut. His eyes squinted in slight pain as he turned on all of the lights in his flat, adjusting from the darkness, and stumbled towards the front door. 

Opening it, his heart started pounding at the sight of… Aaron? No, it was Dan. Phil’s heart hardened at the thought of seeing Dan everytime as a reminder that Aaron was gone. He hated it so much. 

“I’m busy,” Phil said. 

“I just… I came to- I forgot my tie…” 

“Well find it quick then get out.” Phil didn’t give a shit anymore if he sounded rude and brash as his eyes followed Dan’s figure walking past him and towards his bedroom. He was sick and tired of seeing Dan. It was exhausting looking at him. 

But maybe, just maybe… 

Phil shook his head. No matter how hurt he was and how much he wanted Aaron, he couldn’t use Dan like that. He couldn’t. 

But after a minute when Dan made his way back to the front door, tie in his hands, Phil blocked his way. Dan’s eyes widened, those doe eyes. Fuck, they were just like Aaron’s. Phil, not taking his eyes off of Dan, shut the front door behind him and locked it. He watched Dan visibly gulp. Their eyes were still locked. Fuck. 

Their lips met with no hesitation nor gentleness. Phil put everything he had into the kiss: his heart, soul, tongue, saliva. He felt Dan’s hands running up and down his back, gripping his shirt and tugging at it. Holy fuck, this was what Phil needed. 

They made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothing articles behind them until they were only in their underwear. That was when Phil used every ounce of his self-control to finally pull away. He stared into Dan’s eyes, only seeing him. Aaron. 

“We can’t do this, Phil,” Dan said softly, his head tilting towards the floor. “We can’t.” 

“Then we won’t,” Phil affirmed, placing his hands on Dan’s arms, causing the brown-haired boy to look up at him. “Let’s just lay in bed and hold each other. Is that okay?” 

Dan nodded faintly, his eyes empty. Phil turned off all the lights in his flat before joining Dan in bed. Silence, for once, was a welcoming concept. Dan inched closer and so did Phil. He wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling him close to his chest. Dan buried his face in his shoulder, hiding from the world. He felt tears stain his shoulder a few minutes later. Phil didn’t mind. His own tears found their way onto the pillow his head was resting on. 

He didn’t realize until now just how much Dan needed him just as much as he needed Dan. This was nice. As he held Dan in his arms, his world ceased to become a whirlwind, his heart ceased its aching, his ears ceased the ringing, and for one beautiful moment, his mind was at peace without the aid of sleep. 


	3. Chapter 3

The clock on the wall kept on ticking incessantly. It was annoying. He didn’t understand why a sound he was so used to just now started to irritate him. He stared at the clock that read two minutes until 3 AM. He turned his head and found Dan laying next to him, sleeping peacefully. 

This was the fourth goddamn time he let this happen within a month. First on the night of the funeral, then three more times they’ve cuddled together in bed. Luckily they didn’t have sex save for the first night or else Piper would’ve had his head. Phil didn’t think he could ever have sex with anyone for a while. 

As he stared at the clock, he realized that with each tick, he was getting a second older than Aaron. Even when he was alive, Phil was already four years older than him. But now Aaron wasn’t getting older. He would forever be twenty-one years two months and twenty-two days old ever since October 1st. And it killed Phil inside knowing that he had to grow old without him. 

One look at the boy sleeping next to him was enough for Phil. He found himself slipping out of bed, putting on his shoes, pocketing his wallet and keys, and leaving his own flat. He didn’t know how he ended up inside Aaron’s bedroom in his dorm. He didn’t know how he ended up in Aaron’s sweatpants and university hoodie, laying in Aaron’s bed shaking and crying. 

Phil breathed in what was left of Aaron’s scent in his sheets. As he clutched the green and blue patterned pillow to his chest, he thought of their first time. They were young and curious, and so full of love and trust. He reminisced of the exact words Aaron said to him a week before, of how much he wanted to know Phil inside out. 

Phil sobbed even harder into his pillow, clutching it and willfully begging for this pillow to change into Aaron somehow in some way. There were a thousand ways to express how much he just wanted Aaron here by his side, to share his life with him, and suddenly it was all stripped away. 

There was still so much life for both of them to experience together. They were supposed to move into their own apartment, get a fish tank, a dog, wedding rings, a life full of love and marriage and family. Phil felt the hot tears stinging his scrunched up face. He tried so hard to keep it in but ended up letting himself sob and cry into the pillow again. He had it all planned out, and that plan was stripped away from him. And there was no Plan B. Phil had nothing, no plan, no anything. 

Phil still had to make a post, a Youtube video, a tweet, something. He had left his viewers in the dark for three weeks. God knows how worried they must be. Phil couldn’t bring himself to care enough. He just wanted to disappear from the world and be with Aaron. 

His eyes found their way onto the laptop on the desk. He knew the password to that laptop by heart. It was Aaron’s, of course. His family refused to take possession of the laptop, still too wounded to even try and recover any of his files inside. Instead, they entrusted it to Phil, who decided to just keep it in Aaron’s dorm. 

Back then, Phil never abused Aaron’s laptop password. He didn’t want to snoop around his boyfriend’s files and invade his privacy. But now, Phil was desperate for any kind of last trace of Aaron’s thoughts, his mark on the world. And this laptop was it. 

Phil found the energy to climb out of bed, albeit shakily, and seat himself at the desk and open up the laptop. He typed in the password, the opening screen glowing brightly and illuminating Phil’s face in the dark room. 

His breath caught when the first thing that popped up was a video editing project that was labeled “first youtube video” at the corner. The project looked halfway finished. Phil watched it all the way until where the editing stopped. The footage mostly consisted of Aaron introducing himself, his age, some random facts about him, and a few amateur comedic skit clips. 

Wanting to know more, he searched up the raw unedited footage in the files and watched through that, Phil’s heart warming at all the small slip-ups and eye rolls at background noises Aaron would make that were cut out in the project. Phil laughed exhaustedly. There was a bittersweetness to it, but it was mostly bitter. The sweetness was gone. 

As he looked deeper through the files, he found video footage Aaron had recorded sporadically for the past two years. They looked unprofessional but very raw. In the span of three hours, Phil had watched them all. 

Aaron had talked of many random things. They were like monthly logs of his mental state and whatnot, which relaxed Phil for some reason. Hearing Aaron’s voice rambling on about how his month had gone was such a normality Phil missed so much. He yearned for that again, but when he took out his headphones and found it was early morning, reality settled in again. Aaron was gone. 

Out of anger, Phil slammed Aaron’s laptop closed and threw it against the bed. He pressed his legs to his chest, his entire body curling up on the office chair, and started sobbing again. This all just fucking sucked. He wanted to disappear. 

Phil was still wrapped up in an emotional rage when he trudged onto the subway and arrived back at his flat. He had forgotten about everything that happened last night. As he unlocked the door and opened it, 

he saw Dan curled up on the couch in the living room watching TV. He was the spitting image of Aaron. 

Dan didn’t bat an eye when Phil entered the flat and closed the door behind him, nor did he move one muscle when Phil approached him and sat next to him on the couch. His face showed not even a hint of a reaction when Phil turned to him and whispered, “Can we pretend for just one night that he’s not dead?” 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked after a while. 

Phil heaved a sigh, his gut screaming in protest as he said, “I mean that for today, can you just act like Aaron? Just for one night. Please?” 

Dan’s eyes flittered over Phil’s seemingly desperate face. The brown-haired boy bit his lip in thought, the ticking of the clock starting to slow down in Phil’s mind. 

“Okay,” Dan finally answered, his voice barely audible.

“Okay?” Phil confirmed, his heart thumping rapidly in his chest. 

Dan nodded. “Yeah. So, uh, what do you wanna do first?”

Phil pondered his options. There was no way he could go out in public with Dan - or Aaron today. He wanted to finish Season 4 of Skam together, a Norwegian show that Aaron introduced to him. 

“How about we marathon Skam?” Phil proposed. 

Dan (or Aaron) smiled. “Let’s start with Season 3 and reenact all of Isak and Even’s romantic kissing scenes,” he suggested. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Phil smiled back, ignoring the pang of guilt in his chest. 

~ 

Skam was playing faintly on the laptop sitting on Phil’s desk. Meanwhile, Dan and Phil were both lying opposite and parallel to each other on Phil’s bed, their faces meeting in the middle. They were kissing softly, Phil’s palm hovering over Dan’s cheek. Dan hummed in satisfaction when they finally pulled away after another set of five minutes of making out. God knows how long they’ve been laying here kissing. Phil didn’t care all too much though. It was just him and his boyfriend, that was all in his mind. 

“You’re a damn good kisser, Lester,” Dan mumbled, a chuckle gracing his lips. 

“You are too, Howell.” 

Their reddened lips met again for the fifth time today. Dan unhesitantly and immediately added his tongue into the mixture. Phil tried to withhold a moan - failing miserably - as he felt Dan’s fingers trail from his hair down his torso and towards his crotch. Phil found his hands moving up into Dan’s hair, his fingers running through the soft frizzy texture as Dan started unbuckling his belt. 

“What the FUCK?”

Phil’s eyes shot open and he leaped away from Dan, who accidentally fell off the bed. To his horror, he saw a furious looking Piper standing menacingly by the doorframe. Oh no. 

Her head turned at lightning speed towards Dan, her curly mop swishing. “You fucker,” she hissed. “Get the fuck out of my brother’s apartment.” 

Dan, at a loss of words, took one look at Phil, who’s eyes widened saying _Go now!_ before bolting out of the room and out of the apartment. 

Once the faint sound of the front door closing reached Phil’s ears, Piper’s gaze fell back on her brother once more. She neatly folded her arms across her chest and jutted her hip out, her eyes narrowed and lips thinned. 

“How could you?!” She cried out, her furious expression melding into one of devastation. “You know he’s fucking bad for you, Phil! Damn it, I fucking told you- I fucking told…” 

Phil tuned out Piper’s ranting as he felt a surge of withdrawal from Dan’s presence. His breaths started to shorten and his chest started to cry out in pain. He wanted Aaron so so badly, wanted to feel his tender touch and feel himself inside him and hold him and kiss him- holy fuck. 

Piper was the first to notice Phil’s reddening eyes as her angry words slowed down and dissipated into thin air. “Phil?” She asked gently. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, Phil started sobbing. Tears flooded down his cheeks like a rushing waterfall and his knees gave out. He felt himself slumping to the floor, automatically pulling his knees to chest, curling into a protective ball. 

“Phil! Fuck, get up!” Piper shouted, rushing to the other side of the bedroom and grabbing Phil’s wrists. She pulled on them but to no avail. Instead, she landed on her ass and her back hit the wall. Phil could feel Piper staring at the trembling weakened form of her brother in front of him. He heard a shaky sigh. 

“Look,” she started. “I have no idea how you feel right now, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand what it’s like to lose a romantic partner. But do you know how much it would kill Aaron to see you like this? It would destroy him. Because I know how much Aaron cares for you. Hell, probably a lot more than I do. So imagine how I’m feeling and magnify it a lot. That’s what you’re doing to Aaron right now. So you have to get up and live your life.” 

Phil shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t do this, Piper. I can’t fucking do this anymore.” 

“YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE!” Piper screamed, her voice cracking slightly. “YOU HAVE TO FUCKING MOVE ON! GOD DAMN IT PHIL! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO AS I SAY?” 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Phil arms tightened around his knees. His breaths were unstable and quivery, his entire body trembling. He felt no strength, no hope, nothing. He just wanted Aaron, no one else. 

He looked up slightly to see Piper’s form slumped against the wall, her gaze fixed upward and her hands folded as if she was praying to any sort of deity for assistance or mercy or even some goddamn patience. 

“Out of all the times you’ve listened to me,” Piper mumbled, “this is the one time you can’t.” She laughed dryly, lacking any actual amusement. “I don’t get it.” 

Phil stared at his sister, the person he’s looked up to ever since he was born. The person he could always lean on and go to when life was tough. After Aaron, Piper was next on his list. He had people in his life that he could depend on, but why did he still feel so damn alone? 

“You don’t,” Phil finally responded quietly. “Out of all the times you’ve helped me, this is the one time you can’t.” 

That statement seemed to break Piper, shatter her heart into pieces. Her wide eyes narrowed once again and her face hardened. 

“You know I’m right,” she seethed. “And what I suggest you do is get up off your ass and actually let your fans know what the fuck is going on. Because god knows how fucking worried all your subscribers are. Almost two whole months off of social media and you can’t fucking grow balls and even communicate with your own fans. Before you talk to me or even let yourself see Dan again, tell your fans what’s going on.” 

Without another word, she stood up and stalked out of Phil’s bedroom, the front door opening and slamming shut a few moments later. 

And here Phil was again, slumped against the side of his bed and staring at the same wall. He felt empty, yet something innate inside him decided to heed Piper’s advice. He slowly got up onto his feet and sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing his phone and opening it up. The brightness caused his eyes to squint, so he quickly turned the brightness down. 

He had no energy to do anything else, so he decided Twitter was the best way to go. He opened up the blue colored app and tapped on the compose button. Seven words. Seven simple words that took him fifteen minutes to type out. As his thumb hovered the tweet button, he closed his eyes and took a breath. 

If he thought about it too much, he’d never do it. Yet he knew once he tweeted this, there was no more hiding from it. It could no longer be pretend or a joke or something fake. It would become a new reality not just to him but to all of his fans, who’d share a fraction of the pain with him. There would be more _Are you okay’s_ and _I hope you’re doing alright’s_ and _Stay strong’s_ and probably hashtags and sentimental fanart and tweets and fanfiction- holy fuck. 

As his mind started to fill with loud voices, Phil forced himself to press the tweet button. It was out into the world now; he couldn’t play pretend anymore. 

_aaron’s gone. i need some time. sorry._


	4. Chapter 4

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Breathe in- 

Phil didn’t want to breathe out, nor could he actually breathe in the first place. The two phrases repeated in his mind while his head was immersed underwater. It was a peaceful feeling. 

He lifted his head and the cold air slapped his face as he finally breathed out. Two thunderous knocks from the bathroom door interrupted Phil’s thoughts. 

“Phil! You done in there?” Piper called out. 

“Almost!” Phil yelled back, deciding to finally drain the bathtub and dry himself off. 

“You’ve been there for more than thirty minutes! You nearly scared the shit out of me!” Piper nagged, resulting in Phil groaning as he attacked his hair with another towel and put on a fresh pair of boxers that his sister had laid out for him. 

After seeing Phil’s latest tweet, Piper had shown up at his front door again an hour later, luggage behind her, and practically invited herself in and made herself at home. Phil didn’t mind too much though despite his occasional annoyance with her overly protective nature. It was who she was and has always been since the beginning. Which, of course, led to now. A week later. 

Phil exited the bathroom and padded down the hallway back to his bedroom, the scent of spaghetti sauce wafting from the kitchen. After blow drying his hair and slipping on a comfortable T-shirt and his house slippers, he made his way to the dining room where Piper was carefully setting down two plates on the table. He raised an eyebrow at the neat set up. She had the knives and forks placed parallel to the shiny glass plates with two wine glasses situated opposite the silverware. A wine bottle was perched at the center of the table, which didn’t surprise Phil in the slightest. His sister truly knew him well. 

Phil sat down and admired the spotless cutlery when Piper arrived with two giant bowls with serving spoons - one bowl filled with spaghetti and the other filled with the sauce - and set them down at the center of the table next to the wine. 

Piper sat down next to Phil and gestured toward the food. “Dinner is served.” 

After what felt like a century, Phil felt a hint of a smile grace his lips as he took in the set up in front of him. He really had the best sister in the world. “Thanks, Piper.” 

Piper gave him a lopsided smile before proceeding to pile spaghetti noodles on her plate. Phil did the same. As the hours flew by and wine started flowing into their glasses and later into their bodies, conversation got lighter and more sluggish. 

By midnight, the spaghetti was long digested in their stomachs and the wine still tingling in their brains. Phil giggled at a reminiscent joke Piper made. Everything was nice for a while. 

Piper, slumped in her chair, lazily turned her head towards Phil after gazing off into space. “You know you gotta make a Youtube video about Aaron at some point.” 

Phil pouted and whined. “Do I have to?” 

Piper didn’t answer immediately, opting rather to stare at him contemplatively. Finally, she said slowly, “I think you really do have to, yeah.” 

Phil leaned back into his chair and sighed, closing his eyes. “I suppose you’re right.” 

“I always am.” 

Phil turned his head toward Piper, their eyes meeting, and said softly, “Be there with me when I do?” 

Piper nodded. “Yeah. Not actually in the video, but like, I’ll be behind the camera cheering you on.” 

Phil sighed contently and rested his head on the top frame of the chair, closing his eyes again. “This was really nice, Pipes. Thanks.” 

Piper snorted. “Don’t ever call me Pipes again.” 

Phil chuckled. “You love me.” 

“Sure.” 

“I know you do.” 

“Stop it, Phil.” 

“You wouldn’t have made me spaghetti if you didn’t.” 

Piper stayed silent. Looking at her, she seemed lost in thought. She then stood up and grabbed both her and Phil’s plates and made her way to the kitchen sink. Phil clumsily got up out of his chair as well, hearing the water running from the kitchen, and stumbled towards Piper. 

Phil caught her by surprise when he practically bear hugged her. Piper yelped and stiffened, her eyes wide, but then gradually slumped her shoulders and embraced him back. “You’re such a nerd,” she mumbled, no hint of malice in her voice. 

The rest of the night was uneventful as Phil fell asleep right after dinner and Piper, being the responsible adult she was, cleaned up the table and washed all of the dishes before heading to bed. 

The next morning found Phil lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling, eyes wide open. Luckily the wine induced a peaceful sleep. 

He thought a lot about the Youtube video idea Piper mentioned; it was the only prominent thing he remembered from last night. 

Turning his head lazily, he faced his bedside drawer that held a photo frame of Aaron. Not Phil and Aaron, but just Aaron. Despite the beanie and wooly scarf nearly covering his face, his smile was evident, his teeth showing and his eyes lit up as he held a sparkler in his hand. A wave of nostalgic sadness crashed over Phil again, his face warming up and his heart turning cold. A huge lump had settled in his throat. He had been living without Aaron for two months now. 

Phil reached for his phone and stared at the lock screen. 11:35 AM. Friday, December 1. 

He listened for any sound indicating Piper’s presence in the flat. There was none. She must be having lunch outside or at work. Phil sat up on his bed and locked his eyes on the tripod leaning against the wall in the corner of his room. Piper had wanted to plan a script with him, wanted Phil to go into this video with a plan. 

Well, Phil never planned for Aaron’s death. He never planned for any of this to happen. So why should he script a video that he never ever planned to make? 

Phil’s feet thudded against the hardwood floor as he got up from the bed and snatched the tripod. He opened up his office drawer and grabbed his camera, slightly dusty from being untouched for a couple of months. 

He set the camera up on the tripod and sat down on his bed facing the camera. The lens’ stare seemed to pierce right through him; it made Phil highly uncomfortable. He took a shaky breath, searching for the right words to say. It took him a while, probably a whole five minutes. He would have to do a lot of editing after. 

He started the video a hundred times. He deleted footage from his camera a hundred times. He had counted in his head. Nothing came out right, nothing about making this video felt right. He hated this so much, he hated it. But for some reason, something inside him kept pushing, kept persisting. It scared him. 

“Fuck it,” Phil muttered as he deleted footage from his camera for the one hundred eleventh time. He set the camera on the tripod again and pressed record. He sat down on his bed, hands neatly folded on his lap and eyes looking dead set at the camera lens. He cleared his throat and let his mouth run loose. 

“I never thought I would make this video, yet here I am.” Phil paused, feeling the facial muscles pull the corners of his mouth downwards into a frown. He tried to fight it, but to no avail. 

“He’s gone. Aaron’s gone,” Phil whispered almost to himself, his eyes now focusing on the wall behind the camera. “I wish so fucking hard it wasn’t true but it is. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.” 

Phil found himself rambling in front of the camera for nearly two hours. By the time he ended the recording and detached the camera from the tripod to upload the footage to his laptop, it was already late afternoon. Piper should be home soon. She had started working full time again after trusting that Phil would be able to take care of himself and not do anything reckless for an entire day. 

He was nearly a quarter of the way through editing his video when he heard the front door open and Piper yelling “Phil, I’m here!” 

“Hey!” Phil shouted back, making sure Piper knew he was still in the flat. 

“Are you doing something right now?” Piper asked. She sounded like she was carrying groceries. 

“Yeah! Do you need something?” 

“It’s fine, I can do it myself!” 

“You sure?”

“Yeah!”

Phil shrugged and resumed his editing. A few minutes later, Piper opened the door to his room. Phil lowered his headphones and spun around in his office chair so he was facing his sister. 

“How was your day?” she asked, sitting down on the bed and crossing her legs. 

“Alright,” Phil replied with a shrug. 

Piper peered at Phil’s laptop screen. “What’s that?” 

Phil’s eyes widened and he turned to look at his editing project. “Oh. That’s my new Youtube video.” He turned to face Piper again. 

“Oh?” She raised an eyebrow. 

Phil sighed. “I guess I can’t really hide it from you.” 

“Nope.” 

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. “I made the video about Aaron. I’m editing it right now.” 

Piper’s eyes widened and her face softened a bit. “How did it go?” 

“Well, it’s not exactly easy to talk about your dead boyfriend… Or ex-boyfriend or whatever,” Phil muttered. 

“I can’t imagine,” she said with a shake of her head. “What did you talk about?” 

“I just rambled in front of the camera for two hours. I didn’t really have a plan.” 

“Well what are you keeping in the video so far?” 

“I explained how he died, how I found out he died, and bit a feelings and stuff. I can’t believe the footage was over two hours long. Grieving does that to you, I guess.” 

“I guess it does.” 

The conversation paused for a while. Phil slowly went back to editing and Piper decided to lay down on Phil’s bed and scroll through her phone. 

“Thank you for being here,” Phil said. 

Piper looked up from her phone and a hint of a smile graced her face. “Of course. You’re my brother.” 

“You didn’t have to do all of this, though. Especially since you weren’t the biggest fan of Aaron.” 

Piper remained silent, her face becoming stone cold again. 

“Whether I liked him or not didn’t matter. At the end of the day, you were the one dating him,” Piper said. “Besides, it was the one time that when you wanted my approval and I didn’t give it to you, you didn’t back down.” 

Phil kept his eyes on the screen and continued editing. “He was special.” 

The corners of Piper’s lips quirked upward slightly. “I could tell.” 

A more comfortable silence ensued between them. Phil was glad to have Piper’s presence in his flat. Her fiery determination and drive were what he needed. It was refreshing. Not to mention she was a mean cook who knew all of the Lester family recipes by heart. Comfort foods were also a necessity to make up for Piper’s lack of gentle nature. 

A couple hours later, Phil pressed the save button on his project and set up his preferences for the final video and hit export. Piper had gone into the kitchen to start making dinner earlier on, the smell of macaroni and cheese inciting Phil’s stomach growl. He couldn’t wait to dig into some trademark Lester mac n’ cheese. 

The overall video turned out to be around fifteen minutes. Almost three times as long as one of his normal videos would be. He thought about what he’d name the video, how he’d handle the situation entirely. What would everyone think? These were musings that hadn’t even crossed his mind until now. 

He sighed sadly. This was reality. He knew he had to share this huge part of his life with his fans at some point. Yes, he was a generally private person compared to the majority of his caliber in the Youtube community, but this was a huge jump. Luckily almost 90% of his subscribers were active on Twitter, so the considerable majority of his fans would have found out a week ago already, plus the Youtube community. Oh god. 

Phil curled up in his office chair, feeling nauseated with the amount of people who knew about Aaron’s death already. Him, his friends and family, and Aaron’s friends and family were enough. But now over three million people and fellow Youtubers? Just the thought of that made him want to throw up.

He didn’t know how long he sat in his chair for. By the time Piper called him to dinner, it was around 8 PM. They were accustomed to having late dinners. He looked up from his curled position and saw that the video had finally exported. He gulped. His usual posting time was around 9 PM. So he’d have dinner then upload the video, tweet it out, etc. 

When Phil sat at the table with Piper for dinner, he reveled in the comfortable silence as Piper watched her favorite TV show and he could just be lost in his own thoughts while he ate. 

After helping Piper with cleaning up, he checked his phone that read 8:45 PM. His heart started racing and his entire body just tensed. He had never been so scared to do anything else in his entire life. 

He felt Piper’s hand place itself on his shoulder. “You ready?” she asked. Phil nodded mutely in reply, heading to the bedroom with Piper following him. 

She sat on the bed while Phil saved the video to his file and set it up for upload on Youtube. “I have no idea what to put in the description.” 

“Just put what you feel,” Piper advised, laying on her stomach with her head perched on her hands. “This is your video. Screw the people who immediately judge you, they have no idea what you’re going through. You shouldn’t feel obligated to explain or defend yourself to them.” 

Phil nodded once again. He knew Piper was right; she always was. 

“I just won’t put anything at all,” Phil deadpanned. “Because there’s nothing else for me to say.” 

Piper shook her head. “You’ve said enough to them, maybe even more than enough.” 

Phil didn’t even care about making a thumbnail. This was a real video, not a photoshopped one. Without a doubt, this was the rawest video on his channel, and Phil didn’t like it. He watched the loading bar and percentage slowly increase as the video processed. He opened up his Twitter on another tab and opened up a new tweet composition, the cursor blinking incessantly. 

“I’m so fucking scared,” Phil whispered. “I can’t stop thinking about how everyone’s gonna react. And I just- I know they fucking deserve to know, hell, they’d find out anyway even if I didn’t tell them. But it doesn’t make this any easier.” 

Piper frowned. “Nothing in life is ever easy, Phil. You just have to be brave.” 

Phil closed his eyes briefly before opening them. “Can I be alone for a minute?” 

Piper nodded and got up from the bed and left the room, closing the door behind her. 

He took out his phone and went straight to his camera roll. He scrolled through his albums until he found the one he made specifically for Aaron. His thumb hovered over it for one second before pressing it, opening up hundreds of photos. They ranged from small videos to saved fanart and stupid selfies.

As he swiped past each picture and video one by one, Phil found himself laughing and tearing up at the same time. It was a bittersweet moment. He stopped at a sole picture of Aaron. It was the same one he framed on his bedside drawer. 

Phil took one last look at the photo before closing out of the camera roll app and putting down his phone. The video had finished processing. He took a deep breath before pressing ‘Publish.’ 

He copied and pasted the link onto Twitter and tweeted out the video with no silly or witty caption. He closed out of the Twitter tab and exited out of Youtube. He got out of his office chair, turning off the office lamp light and padding over to the bedside table. 

  
He sat on the side of his bed and stared at the framed photo of Aaron. His radiant smile competed with the sparkler in his hands. His eyes shined in a special way, in a fond manner that Phil didn’t really notice before. He realized that at that point in time, Aaron was looking at  _ him. _ That loving look was for  _ him. _ Phil sighed and set the frame down and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes, a foreign sensation of peace settling in him.    
  
“I love you, Aaron Howell.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started being active more on my Tumblr @thathipsterhannahwrites so feel free to interact with me there and send messages! 
> 
> Also, I now have an official update schedule! Look out for a new installation of this fic on Sundays!

**#RestinPeaceAaronHowell**

**#WeLoveYouPhil**

@lovelylittlelester 

We have no idea what you’re going through right now but  **#WeLoveYouPhil**

@queenphiron

**#RestinPeaceAaronHowell** rest easy angel <3 <3 

@Zoella 

**#RestinPeaceAaronHowell** **#WeLoveYouPhil** @AmazingPhil stay strong <3 

@PipeDownItsPiper 

**#WeLoveYouPhil** Thank you all for the sweet messages and the hashtags. Phil appreciates you all so much 

Phil had been curled up in his office chair scrolling through Twitter for the past eight hours. It was 6 AM. Piper would kill him if he found out he hadn’t got any sleep. He couldn’t bring himself to care though. 

The adrenaline from posting his recent video about Aaron to Youtube had eaten away at his ability to sleep. An hour of laying in his bed forcing himself to sleep had driven him mad, so instead he had camped at his office desk the whole night and scrolled through Twitter and the Youtube comment section.

The majority of response was positive and encouraging, which Phil was grateful for. Of course there would be some negative comments calling him an attention seeker or that he should’ve kept this private. But honestly, Phil once again couldn’t bring himself to care about them. He knew in his heart that this video had to be made. He would be lying if he said he also didn’t marathon his collabs with Aaron on his channel. Hearing his voice and his name was still haunting. 

It was around 6:30 AM when Phil decided to close his laptop and climb into his bed and fall asleep. He was woken up again by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Phil checked the time on his phone which read 12:23 PM. Well shit. 

He groaned and somehow managed to look somewhat appropriate before trudging over to the front door and opening it. Phil’s eyes widened at the sight of Dan holding a box set of Harry Potter movies. 

“Hi,” Dan greeted. “I was, er, wondering if you wanted to watch a movie or two.” He gestured to the box set in his hands. 

“Oh wow. Uh, yeah sure. Come in.” Phil opened the door all the way and let Dan inside and closed the door behind him. 

“Where’s Piper?” Dan asked nervously as he set down the box of Harry Potter movies on the coffee table. “I heard she moved in here for a bit.” 

“She’s at work until five. And yeah, she’s been a big help with everything. Martyn and I aren’t super close so he never visits and my parents coddled me enough already before the funeral. Piper’s a fiesty one, so she’s kinda been getting me back on my toes.” 

“That’s good. It’s nice to have someone close to you who’ll be there to pick you up when you’re down,” Dan said, settling down on the couch, a sad smile on his face. “Aaron was like that, wasn’t he?” 

Phil nodded silently, sitting down next to Dan. “He was like that with everyone. He cared about all of his friends and family so much.” 

“He cared about you a lot.” 

Silence. 

Phil shouldn’t be having this conversation. Hell, Dan shouldn’t even be here with him right now. Yet here he was. Phil was doing so well with moving on and he had started to piece his life back together already. He wasn’t happy yet, far from it, but he was making progress. This, however, - whatever the hell this was - was not progress. 

But then again, Phil had already been feeling like the world was going too fast. And it was fucking exhausting. He deserved a break. He deserved to mourn. He deserved to mope about Aaron. And who better to do that with none other than Dan? Fuck, he was going crazy. 

“I’m sure he cared about you too,” Phil replied. 

“Did he?” Dan asked, more to himself. 

Their eyes met. Phil could see the withheld devastation on Dan’s face. “He did. Trust me, he did.” 

It took those two simple sentences for Dan to start sobbing furiously. He held nothing back. Phil rushed to hold him in his arms.  _ It was almost like holding Aaron _ , his mind thought bitterly. He wanted to scream, but instead he just held the sobbing boy. He whispered soothing words and gently traced patterns on his back. 

“I can’t believe he’s fucking gone,” Dan sobbed, burying his face further into Phil’s shoulder. “I hate this so fucking much.” 

Phil allowed a couple of tears to escape him, but only a few. He had to stay strong for the man in his arms. It was Dan’s turn to mourn. It was Phil’s turn to be the shoulder for the other to cry on. He didn’t know how long they held each other for. In the end, it didn’t matter though. They needed each other terribly. 

Before Phil could even process it, Dan’s lips were on his. Phil’s eyes widened as Dan climbed onto his lap and ran his fingers through his hair, his tongue already searching for entrance. Fuck. 

It took everything in Phil to push him away as firmly as he could. He shook his head. “We can’t do this.” 

Dan stared at him, his lips reddened and his eyes puffy. “What do you mean?” 

Phil gently shook Dan off of his lap and stood up. “We can’t do this to Aaron. If all you came here for was to make out with me as a way to heal, you have the wrong person.” 

Dan’s lips tightened and his breathing visibly started to become heavy. He stared at the ground for a long time. “I’m sorry. I just-” 

“Save it.” 

Dan’s head shot up at Phil’s clipped tone. “What-” 

“Please, just go,” Phil quavered. He made sure to avert his eyes from Dan as the brown-haired boy stood up, taking his Harry Potter movie set, and left the flat. 

Once he heard the front door close, Phil let the rest of the tears flood again. He hated this process, hated mourning. His heart sank once more. He felt his knees quiver. He collapsed onto the couch. 

Phil buried his face into one of the throw pillows and covered his body with one of the blankets laying nearby. He curled up under the fuzzy material, willing his body to stop trembling despite his apartment having a working heater. He hated the dull pain in his chest. He hated having to go on in life without Aaron. He hated everything. 

~

The first thing he noticed when he woke up was the different location. Turning his head on his pillow, he realized he was in his bed. The next thing he noticed was the sound of harsh voices coming from the living room. His eyes widened. It sounded like more than two voices. 

Phil groaned and attempted to mute the noise by covering his ears with a pillow, but to no avail. He turned his head to the other side and saw the photo of Aaron. He stared at it for a while, his heart still aching and his throat still lump. 

His attention rallied back to the arguing voices outside. He slowly got up from the bed, taking the photo of Aaron with him, and despite his shaking legs made it out of his bedroom. He trudged down the hallway and stopped when he peeked behind the wall and saw Piper and, to even more of a surprise, his older brother Martyn ganging up on Dan. 

“I just wanted to check on him!” Dan sputtered, his hands raised pleadingly. 

“Bullshit!” Piper spat, throwing a wooden spoon on the floor. 

Martyn sized up Dan with a sneer. “Why in the world do you think Phil would want to see  _ you _ ?” 

“Is it wrong for a friend to be concerned about his brother’s boyfriend’s interests?” Dan retorted. 

“If you’re out for Phil’s interests, you would leave him alone,” Piper snarled, her finger jabbing right in front of Dan’s face. “You fucker-” 

“Okay okay, let’s keep it chill, Pipes,” Martyn said, grabbing Piper’s shoulder and pulling her back. “We don’t want to beat the kid up, we just want to send a warning message.” Martyn faced Dan again and his face hardened. “If you know what’s best for you, don’t come back.” 

Piper’s eyes narrowed into slits, her usually stone cold face now more menacing and threatening. No one idiotic enough would mess with Martyn, but not even a fool would dare cross Piper. And god help those who anger both of them at the same time. 

Meanwhile, Dan was shaking. He already looked broken enough, almost on the verge of crying. His eyes darted around frantically until, to Phil’s horror, they caught sight of him. Shit. 

“Phil?” 

Piper and Martyn turned their heads in his direction. Shit. 

“Phil? Can you wait in your bedroom please? We have business to take care of,” Piper asked, although it sounded more like a command than anything else. 

“Hey little brother,” Martyn greeted. “Don’t worry, we’ll handle him.” 

“Don’t hurt him,” Phil managed to croak out, stepping into the living room a little more. 

“What are you doing?” Piper whispered harshly. 

Phil faced Dan, whose eyes immediately flickered to the photo frame in his hands. 

“It’s a picture of him,” Phil explained, looking at the frame and running his thumb across the edge of the polished wood. Then his thumb came to rest on Aaron’s face in the photo, as if he was actually caressing his cheek. 

“When… When was it taken?” Dan asked timidly. 

“New Year’s Eve last year,” Phil answered, the sweetest smile on his face. He lifted his head up to face Dan.

Dan looked taken aback at the photo frame Phil held out to him. His eyes widened and fluttered between the photo frame and Phil. “I can’t take this from you,” he said. 

Phil shook his head. “You’re not. I’m giving him back to you.” 

Dan stared at the frame for a long time. Looking at the brown-haired man’s face, it seemed like he had been a vessel for others while he barely had his own time to mourn. He slowly took the picture from Phil.

Phil squeaked in surprise when he found Dan’s body pressed against his, embracing him tightly. Dan was crying into his shoulder. Reluctantly, Phil held him tight once more. 

“Can we wrap this up please?” Martyn piped in. 

Dan pulled away from Phil quickly, smoothing his clothes and holding the picture frame tightly. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll leave now, don’t worry. I’ll just… leave.” 

Phil watched Dan leave the flat again. It was around the sixth time. When the door closed, Phil turned to Martyn. “What are you doing here?” 

“It’s been a while little brother, but I’m here.” Martyn quipped, plopping down on the couch. 

“Yeah, for once,” Piper muttered to herself.

Martyn shot the female Lester a glare. “I wanted to check up on you and Pipes.” 

“I told you not to call me Pipe-”

“Yeah, whatever.” 

“Shit head,” Piper mumbled. She turned to Phil. “You can’t see him again.” 

“I know,” Phil said. “I told him to leave me alone earlier today.” 

Piper’s lips quirked up into a small smile. “I’m proud of you, Phil.” 

Phil simply nodded. He didn’t really feel that much pride, he just felt exhausted. 

“So how’re you doing, little brother?” Martyn asked. “You feeling any better?” 

“Kinda,” Phil answered with a shrug. “Just tired most days. The grieving comes in waves but the time in between gets longer. Makes it harder to deal with though.” 

Martyn gave Phil a lopsided smile. “Hey, you’re toughing it out better than I expected you to. At first I thought you were gonna mope for like six months. But you’re already starting to get your shit together and it’s already been, what, two months?” 

“Well, you underestimated him. Our little Phil’s a trooper,” Piper resounded, wrapping an arm around Phil’s shoulder. 

“I’m taller than you.” 

“Yeah, well I’m older.”

“And I’m the oldest,” Martyn said. “So you two can’t say shit.” 

“Oh please,” Piper said bemusedly. “You’re about as intimidating as a butterfly.” 

“Am not!” Martyn protested. 

“See? You sound like a little kid already.” 

Phil tuned out to the rest of his siblings’ banter, completely drained out. Having his older brother here right now was strange and foreign; the last time they were all together was nearly a year ago for New Year’s. He wasn’t sure if he should feel angry or glad his brother finally came to check on him. Maybe it was best not to think about it.

Later that night, Phil was snuggled up in bed on his laptop when Piper came in. Phil looked up. “Hey.” 

“Hey.” Piper closed the door behind her and inched her way into Phil’s bed. “Martyn’s on the couch tonight. He offered.” 

“He’s sure about that?” Phil asked, knowing the state of his couch. 

“I asked him the same thing but he told me he’d rather sleep there than either of us two.” Piper snorted and rolled her eyes. “So overprotective.” 

“Sounds like someone I know,” Phil said with a knowing glint. Piper couldn’t help but smile at that. 

“I guess so,” she replied. “He’s such a brat, though. Literally stormed in here like he owned the place even though he’s only been here one other time.” 

Phil nodded. “It’s weird with him here.” 

“Yeah. Well, he better be out of here by tomorrow morning or I’ll do it for him.” 

“You’re really that pissed at him?” 

“Mhm,” Piper confirmed. “Ever since he’s moved out, the only time we ever see him is during Christmas and New Year’s. It’s like he only wants to see us out of obligation, not when we ever need him. Except this time he shows up out of nowhere like we’re still kids and he’s the big superhero we should praise and adore. He does realize we’re not nine anymore, right?” 

“I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t realize it.” 

Piper huffed as she leaned back against the bed, going on her phone. “If there’s one thing I hope he realizes one day, it’s that if you treat your family like second priority, we’ll gladly return the favor.”

Phil didn’t know what he could reply to that.

Silence settled between them for a few minutes. 

Finally, Piper asked, “What was that about with Dan? Like with the picture frame and all that?” 

The mouse on the laptop screen stilled. Phil sighed, pushing the laptop away from him. “Long story short, Dan and Aaron had a huge fight. Dan didn’t approve of Aaron dating me and Aaron got upset. They didn’t speak to each other for while.... And- uh, Aaron died before they could make up.” 

“Oh… wow.” 

“Yeah. Dan’s been really strong throughout the whole thing though. If I were him, I would’ve- never mind.” 

“I know what you’re thinking, you don’t have to say it.” 

Phil merely nodded. Piper’s eyes met his. 

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

It took a while before Phil responded. 

“Me too.” 


	6. Chapter 6

When Phil arrived at the Lester household on the 20th with Piper by his side, he didn’t expect the extremely warm greetings from his parents. Usually his mum and dad were very casual - still loving, but casual - but this time they were extra welcoming. 

Apparently his mother couldn’t help herself and baked all of Phil’s favorite sweets, from chocolate chip cookies to gingerbread men. Phil had to admit, the smile was quite difficult to keep off of his face when Martyn presented to him a pitiful excuse for a gingerbread house. 

“So, how’ve you all been?” their mother asked during dinner, but all of the Lester children knew this question was specifically aimed at Phil. 

“Alright,” Phil responded. 

“Phil’s doing fine, mum,” Piper reassured. “He’s in good hands, remember?” 

“Yes, yes, of course,” she nodded. “Piper dear, how are you?” 

Piper smiled. “Good! Work’s been boring as hell but a newbie came in and she’s super nice. I think we’re gonna be good friends.” 

“What’s she like?” their father questioned with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well,” Piper started, “she has blue hair, which is why I thought she was cool. And she’s just as passionate about video games and books as I am.” 

“That’s lovely to hear!” Mrs. Lester smiled. 

“See, Pipes? I told you school was stupid and you’d make actual friends after uni,” Martyn cut in. 

“I had friends in school!” Piper protested. 

Martyn rolled his eyes. “Phil doesn’t count.” 

“You pri-” 

“No arguing at the table!” Mrs. Lester reprimanded, causing Piper to slowly sit back down in her seat. Martyn sighed and leaned back in his chair. 

Piper turned to Phil and gave him a half-smile. “Still the quiet one at the table, huh?” 

Phil shrugged. “Nothing really changes.” 

“Oh please,” Martyn said. “A lot has changed these past few months.” 

“Martyn!” Mrs. Lester hissed. 

“You idiot,” Piper seethed under her breath. She turned to look at Phil, who just kept a neutral face. Almost as if his ambient emotions didn’t drain to nothing, leaving his entire being empty. Almost as if he was unbothered, unaffected. Almost.

An awkward silence filled the room for a minute until Phil finally said, “You know you don’t have to treat me like I’m some sort of weak person you have to protect all the time. I’m fine.” 

His mother didn’t look convinced, which he hated. He hated how he had to constantly reassure everyone that he was fine, that it was in the past and he didn’t care anymore (even though he still did). He just wanted to live life like nothing happened, like everything was normal (but it wasn’t). 

Phil stood up and left the table, heading upstairs to his room. He closed the door behind him and sunk into his bed. He didn’t cry. He was too tired to. Rather, he just sighed and closed his eyes, wondering if he’ll ever get over Aaron. Even after nearly three months, the thought of that seemed impossible. 

Ultimately, he just wanted 2017 to be over. He was so tired of the past, so so tired. He had no idea what he was gonna do for the future, not a clue. Piper had mentioned the idea of getting a day job, which he had wrinkled his nose at. Martyn suggested the nightclub-hookup lifestyle for a while, which didn’t really appeal to him all that much either. 

But then he thought about the tour he had planned. Well, it wasn’t really an official plan. All he did was buy a world map and pin the cities he’d love to go to during the tour. He had intended on waiting until Aaron started making Youtube videos and gained a grounding, which wouldn’t have taken too long, and then they would do the tour together. That idea was now out the window, he supposed. Or perhaps not all of it. 

He had never considered traveling until now. It seemed like such a far away idea, but now it wasn’t all that distant anymore. He would see what 2018 would hold. As he lay on his bed, arms behind his head, he felt himself smiling just a little bit. The future, for once, looked somewhat promising. 

Phil and his family, instead of having fireworks, decided to use paper lanterns for New Year’s. It was a stupid idea, since paper lanterns were easily flammable and they were sending them towards shooting firecrackers. But whatever. Phil liked it, so his family had agreed. 

They arrived at a semi-forest area near their house where there were minimum amount of fireworks. Phil pulled his scarf over his face as trekked through the snow, paper lantern in one hand and the lighter in another. 

“This place looks good,” Phil suggested, stopping at an open area and setting down his lantern. Trailing behind him were Piper, Martyn, and his parents, who were lagging a bit behind to admire the scenic nature. Also the fact that Mrs. Lester stopped to point at a bird perching on one of the trees. 

“Alrighty,” Piper said, also setting down her lantern. Martyn followed suit and so did Phil’s parents once they caught up with their children. 

Phil started lighting the lanterns, saving his for last. Once he got to his, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small strip, about the size of a peanut, with Aaron’s name scrawled on it. He taped it to the lantern and lighted it, watching it slowly luminate with warmth and brightness. He couldn’t help but smile sadly, his thumb smoothing over the taped strip of paper. 

“Phil!” His mum called out. “You ready? It’s three minutes ‘til midnight.” 

“Right, right,” Phil said. 

“Okay, let’s get into a circle!” Piper said. They all followed orders. 

“So we’re all holding our lanterns,” Piper started. “Let’s think about everything that’s happened this year. All the ups and downs, the good and the bad…” 

“The losses and gains,” Phil added. 

Piper nodded. 

“Yes,” she continued, “the losses and gains as well. But most importantly, let’s remember that each year is a new start. A time to clean the slate and start a new adventure. So let’s project all of the things from 2017 that you want to let go of before we start the new year.” 

Everyone was silent for a few seconds. Phil closed his eyes, reminiscing the memories he had shared with Aaron this past year. He thought about the funeral, the mourning, the absolute hopelessness. He was tired of it. A huge part of him still desperately wished Aaron was here and hated the fact that the world was still moving and time was passing without him. But he could also hear that same persistent voice in his head telling him that it was time to move on. That he just had to… live with it now. 

Phil heaved a long sigh, almost as if he was letting out everything that had happened within the past three months. If only that were true. But the thought of a new adventure in 2018 was a bit exciting, promising, mysterious and unknown. It had been a long time since he’d felt this giddy. 

“Alright guys, it’s 30 seconds until 2018!” he heard Martyn announce. 

He opened his eyes and saw his family around him, all holding their lanterns. The corners of his lips twitched upward. He remembered two months ago when smiling felt like a crime, a betrayal. But now it wasn’t so much, anymore. It was relieving. 

“TEN SECONDS!” Piper shouted gleefully. “GET READY!” 

“I’m always ready!” Martyn replied with a smirk. “I bet mine will go higher.” 

“BET!” 

Soon they all started shouting, “FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE-” 

“Happy New Year!” Phil exclaimed with his family, pushing his lantern up into the air. The tips of his fingers brushed the bottom of the lantern before he watched it drift upwards like a balloon. It lingered above the trees, making a few circles around the open area before finally floating up into the night, now so miniscule it became indistinguishable from the stars in the sky. 

  
  


~ 

  
  


“You’re absolutely sure you’ll be okay on your own?” Piper asked for what seemed like the hundredth time. She was standing at the front door, her luggage beside her. 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Phil replied. “I think being on my own is what I really need right now.” 

Piper nodded, her smile bittersweet. “You know I’m always a phone call away.” 

“I know. Thank you for everything.” 

“I’m your sister,” she chuckled, “I’m always gonna be here for you.” 

“Yeah well,” Phil lifted his head slightly to meet her eyes. “I think it’s time for me to be here for myself.” 

Piper laughed hollowly and shook her head. “Sometimes I forget that you’re a full-fledged adult. Guess I can’t hold on anymore now, huh?” 

Phil just shrugged before giving his sister a warm hug. When he tried to pull away, he felt Piper’s arms pull him back in and hold him for a while longer. After a few minutes, she finally let go. 

“I’ll be going now,” she said, her face becoming concrete again. “I’ll see you for our next monthly dinner?” 

“I will. See you, Pipes.” 

Piper opened her mouth, ready for her usual reply. Instead, she laughed lightly and opened the door and left the apartment. Phil closed the front door behind her, leaning against it and sighing. He went into his room and mused over any productive activities he could do for the day. 

After rummaging through his pile of presents, he finally fished out the new journal planner Louise had gotten him. He smiled, grabbing a pen from his desk and plopping onto his office chair. He opened up the journal to a blank page with “What do you want to do in 2018?” written at the top. 

Ten minutes later, he came up with the following so far: 

-travel around Europe

-spend a week in New York City

-go to Disney World 

-rebrand Youtube channel

-actually use gym membership

-reconnect with old friends

-make new ones

-eventually get a day job 

-be independent 

Phil stared at the last bullet point. Admittedly, he had no idea where that came from. He just picked up the pen and started writing whatever popped into his mind; he didn’t think he’d actual accomplish everything on this list in the span of one year. It was worth a shot, though. He turned to the next page of his journal, which said: “Now prioritize your ideas and pick one. Make a plan for how you can accomplish it.”

He chose the most realistic one: get a day job. Besides, he didn’t have nearly enough money for traveling around Europe. Yeah, he could go to a city in another European country for a few days, but he really did want a huge trip rather than small sporadic ones. Phil scanned his room, all of the folded up cardboard moving boxes littered in the corners. He had planned on moving into a new apartment with Aaron, which he had obviously canceled a while ago. 

He wrote down his plan for getting a day job. 

  1. Find a good job
  2. Apply for good job
  3. If first job doesn’t work out, repeat steps one and two
  4. After getting job, make enough money for trip to Europe 



Phil nodded in satisfaction as he put down his pen and looked at his list. This seemed doable. May as well start now. Being the ultimate expertise at job searching, Phil opted for typing “good jobs in UK” into the Google search bar. Yep, it was a mastered skill. 

After a few hours of scanning through boring office job options in the results - with occasional snack breaks - he clicked out of the tab and binge watch some Youtube videos. He checked out his recommended, clicking on a video of Sam Smith’s Live Lounge performance of “Lay Me Down” in BBC Radio 1. Phil laid his head back onto the chair and took in the healing aura of Sam Smith’s voice. 

As he let his mind relax into a train of harmless thoughts, a metaphoric light bulb lit up above his head. His eyes flickered open and widened. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of this before. It could expand his career! It could earn him more income! All of the opportunities, the networking! 

Phil went into his gmail inbox and searched for the email from the BBC Radio. He had remembered him and Aaron being offered a spot for the Christmas Special as radio presenters and possibly their own segment. Would they still take him by himself? Maybe. 

With a bit of hope, Phil replied to the email, which was a considerable few months old, and sent it. He sighed, hoping they would take him. And if they did, he would find an apartment in London and move his set there. And a new setting would be a perfect setup for his Youtube channel rebrand. And with enough money from both Youtube and the BBC, he could finally travel… 

A plan. Finally. 

When Aaron died, Phil’s entire world was shattered. His entire future revolved around them. He had thoughts of a joint gaming channel, a tour, a brand new website for their merchandise, living together, a dog, engagement, marriage, a family. 

Phil wondered how he’d react if Aaron suddenly resurrected and inserted himself back into his life. To be completely honest, he had no idea what he would do. He still missed him so much, ached for his touch, wished that he had never died, but life is different now. He was starting to move on, forming new plans for his own life, becoming his own person. 

Everything was changing, but it would all be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Since I just moved into college this past weekend, I'm taking a hiatus for a couple of weeks to acclimate to the sweet college life. I'll be back, I promise! I already have quite a few chapters ahead so don't worry! I'll see y'all on the flip!


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